So it has been a very long time, my weight has risen and fallen, same for my blood pressure. Right now is about getting myself back on track.
I just got a new job 12 midnight to 8:30 AM. it is through a temp agency, there is no end date for this position, I hope that it lasts or goes permanent.

Ive decided that if and when I get used to these hours. I will be hitting the gym after work then coming home and going to bed.

Im trying very much so to keep myself awake right now its 1:30 am and Im ready to pass out. 7 more hours then I can go to sleep.

Lately Ive been in this odd state of blah. Im not in the mood to play my normal online games, or any games for that matter, I don't want to watch TV and there's not much I want to read. I dont want to paint.... or really anything I would normally find fun. I suppose this is depression. I did just get over bad bought of depression so this could be left over blahness.....

my boyfriend is doing his best at the moment to keep me awake. he himself works nightshift and yes he is at work but he is able to text me. Its very sweet of him.

Nothing like realizing you are un-needed and worthless.

Tonight was back to the gym for me. I regret taking as long of a break as I did I regret being Lazy.
But Im back on track for now.

20 Minutes on the bike nearly killed me, not because of my legs hurting from the act of biking while yes yes that did 'hurt' it was a good hurt a good reminder that if I would have been going everyday like I was I wouldn't have even been hurting. but I nearly killed me because of my previously broken tailbone. Lately that has been bothering me Ive been trying to stay off it as much as possible but walking and standing all day kills my back and its a huge vicious circle because the weight loss will help with that. So I suppose I should get used to the pain of the tailbone hurting while on the bike so I can lose more weight and be able to stand and walk around for extended periods of time so my damn tailbone can stop hurting.

Im Tired. Im going to be heading to bed soon.

I'm also at this point and time struggling with something mentally. I'm trying to convince myself its OK to let go and have fun and just see where things go, Its ok to not have a plan, its ok not to have things carefully laid out in front of me. Its ok to just feel and enjoy and not have deep seeded meaning behind things, I know this just tell my girly little heart that. My brain is aware that life isnt a fairy tale, there's no knight in shining armor in my future and I'm sure as hell no princess in need of saving. But my heart doesn't seem to understand that.
My Heart wont just STFU and let my brain take over, then again my brain is all cynical and stuff and Assumes everything is a lie love doesn't exist and hope is pointless.
SO I need my heart and brain to work together 50/50 so I have have a nice even mix of hope and fact.

(My close friends will understand that rant)

*sighs*

And no that rant had nothing to do with my diet or food or this damn food blog but really this shouldnt just be a 'food' blog this should be a 'me' blog I mean everything I feel impacts my weight loss.....

Anyway Food:

Can of Soup: 3 Pts
2 Sammiches w/Chips: 10 Pts
Rubys Spaghetti: Im gonna say 10 pts cause I had some extra noodles...
Banana: No idea PT value on that.

23/32

eh. I cant eat when I'm not Hungry. (that translates into I cant eat when I'm Emo)

245

yay for more weight loss.
I cant see the loss but I can feel it in my pants and shirts and hell even my bras and undies.... but I wish I could see it.

Guess I just gotta keep trying.

One pound lost, not bad considering all I had to eat over the weekend.

Mind you I didnt eat a lot, my stomach was out of sorts I was nervous tired and that didnt lead to eating a lot, just the food choices were poor. then again as I have no money and it was mostly free I cant complain.

I met someone over the weekend ^.^ I just wanted to share my happiness over that.
and I think that's all I'm going to say until I figure things out in my head, and he and I discuss things.

yay weight loss!

247

another 3 pounds lost.

I really do not feel proud of myself for some sick reason.

yes this is a total of 10 pounds but I don't feel as if its good enough I feel like I could have done better like I should be at a higher weight loss by now.
I remember weight loss being so much easier the first time I did it.

I'm also still feeling sick the thought of food turns my stomach.

I had a small panic attack last night, I'm going to a convention with Ruby and a few friends.
but I have major Anxiety problems, mainly about being left alone, and we are going out of state and that makes it worse for me. Ive already told them they cant leave me alone Ruby said she wouldn't, but it still worries me that I will get separated from them.
I know I sound like a 5 year old but Molly usually holds my hand so I don't get lost I hope Ruby does the same because Molly isn't going..

I just keep telling myself that I will be ok and Ill be ok right?
If I get lost or cant find anyone I just call and say hey I'm lost come find me... but even that thought doesn't quench the overwhelming fear of being alone in a large crowd of people I don't know.

Bright Side? Lee (someone going to the Con) told me to bring my laptop and he would try and fix it for me cause him and a few other people are IT people. that makes me Happy my last Tech guy fixed my laptop but not very well he fixed my screen so it works but my keyboard doesn't work and I'm having to use a USB keyboard, and along with my mouse and extra fan it makes my laptop even less portable.

so after a night of complete drunken fun and a day of lazy mild hell full blown emo-ness from me. today I have the energy to post and complain about the fact that I feel horrible.

my stomach hurts and I cant eat.

its a mixture of some greasy food choices today and just some things weighing heavily on my mind.

I went into detail here about what was on my mind, but I felt it was not needed in a food blog

Ill weigh myself tomorrow morning, but I did have to buy a belt over the weekend since my pants keep falling down.

yay!

back to being Emo.