Ruby made me watch a scary movie...

Paranormal Activity. there are alot of mixed reviews on this some people were scared others weren't... I however was..


so now Im sleeping on Ruby's sofa cause I dont want to go home and be by myself.

I just wanna say woot I lost 7 pounds. Im now 250. Well according to our scale Im 250 pounds.

Either way.

Feels good.

I came home dead tired from the Vampire LARP and tried to sleep, I slept for 2 hours and woke back up at 1 AM now its going on 3 and I am still sitting here thinking.
I feel horrible today.

"afters" is a get together after the LARP session usually where we go someplace to grab some food and fast food being an issue for me I almost didnt want to go, but I wanted more time to chat with a few of the other game members and relax before I came home to my crazy house and dealt with my parents and a puppy that was angry that I walked out of the house and didnt take her.
I was bad I will admit this today on my points I had two hand fulls of popcorn the first hand full was a low fat the second (at the LARP) was Kettle Corn most defiantly not now fat and a Nutella sandwich. so I figured it may have been a bad choice to eat the rest of my points at cicis pizza buffet but Id do my best.

I got there and really didnt I completely skipped getting a salad this time (I regret that now) and just got Pizza.

now I did eat less then I normaly would have I got fuller faster but I left there a guilty weight on my shoulders. and a sickening feeling in my stomach, all the way home I felt as if I was going to lose what I had just eaten on the floor of my car.

Tomorrow I will be going back to the gym.

Tomorrow I am also heading to the store to buy myself some bags of frozen veggies and Ranch seasoning packets. and maybe some fresh mushrooms

I love my mom to death but the only veggies she keeps in the house are canned and really Id much rather have frozen. Picky I know. then again I have absurdly high standards.

So today I feel horrible.

I remember this weight loss thing being so much easier for me the first time.

I want to lose the weight so bad, I know I want to lose it for all the wrong reasons, my reasons for the want isnt to be more healthy or to go jogging and not die or to even make my Asthma, depression, or my other issues better.

Its so I can get into a small pants size, so I can shop at 'normal' clothing stores (and not just buy socks and shoes from them) its so I can go into a job interview and get the job because Im not some 'fat sweat hog' looking for a chair to sit in all day to avoid walking and 'working' I want to lose weight so guys can look at me actually look at me and not be disgusted by what they see.
its so I can feel sexy and actually look it or at least I hope to I highly doubt though I will ever have the 'sexy' figure with my odd hip-less frame .

I want all of these things, and no I don't expect weight loss to be easy, but it being this hard is killing me. some days it takes effort for me to even get out of bed especially here lately I'm on the fence with the choice of starting my depression medication again.
I'm so unhappy I don't know what to do, some days I wish to stop breathing or to close my eyes and go to sleep and not wake up.

Ive been told before depression "is a choice" my ex told me that as he was breaking up with me.
Ive been told before "your losing to much weight for me, I cant date anyone that thin" when yet again another ex was breaking up with me. I understand fatty chasers but I was 185 pounds I was in no way skinny.

Maybe Im too sensitive, or maybe I should just stop listening to people and just listen to myself. but neither of those options sound good to me. if I listen to other people if they are wrong Im screwed, and myself? ha I live in Emo Land and apparently all the light bulbs are out here and the roads are lined with sharp objects and bad poetry. so any advice I give myself will be of the dark variety.

Perhaps I should try and sleep maybe things will look brighter in the morning.




Is it too much to ask for a Tall, Dark, and Handsome Vampire to come make me into his princess of the night and take me away from all of this?

...

yeah? I thought so... a girl can dream right?

disappointed and pissed.

Food:

less then a bag of popcorn low fat.
two slices of pizza.
8 Oz. V8 Fruitvusions.

Bed.

Fuck today.

On Ruby's sofa, drinking a smoothie her husband made for me! woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Yummy guy at the gym. wasnt there tonight... Oh seemed to have forgot to mention the yummy guy huh? welllll oh my god he was YUMMY smexy brown curly hair, smexy silver rimmed glasses, smexy sun shoulder tattoo, smexy arms sexy sexy ass... mmmmmmm I so wanted to nom him.
Nom nom nom. I wants him. he was the perfect combo (looks wise) of Geeky Nerd/ Yummy I go to the gym and lift weight lots guy.

Now I don't know him personally so maybe personality wise I wouldn't like him but he was so sexy to watch. I would lose track of my reps watching him. he was a little thin for my taste, and a little short. I date taller guys just out of habit then again I'm 5 foot 2 its rare I find a man shorter then me. but thin? Id rather not go there I feel I will smoosh any man I date that weigh less then me.
So I'm hoping to lose some weight so I worry less (hopefully)

Today was not an official weigh in day for me Ive decided to do that officially on Sundays. But according to the scale this AM I am down one pound.

On news of my Puppy, I took her to the vet today, (she had double pneumonia when she was only 8 weeks old thanks to the puppy store we got her from) she is no longer sick but as she has been coughing we wanted to make sure she wasnt getting sick again. She is fine but she may have allergies, she is on a cough suppressant and an over the counter allergy medication (for humans very low dosage) she also has a 'yeast' infection in both of her ears, so now I have some special stuff to clean her ears out with.

I hope this link works >.<



anyway thats her! and thats it for me tonight

Food:

4 point frozen WW meal

two eggs
1 1/4 Fiber one pancakes
3 peices of sausage (full fat :( I know Im horrible)
1 serving Nutella on the pancakes

1 Large Caramel Latte Lite w/splenda (2 servings of splenda)

yayyy points ..... fuck veggies.... >.>

DDR

9.809 Cal.
1/2 Mile.

My Legs hurt, too much jumping, Tomorrow 1 Mile.

Time left on my 30 min work out timer, 19 Min.

but Im sweating so I need a moment and my calfs are killing me.
time for a drink maybe more in a bit..

Gym tonight. Tired. Not going on my date Friday, I refuse to be rebound.
Planning on meeting up with someone else some time this week. Ill see how that goes.
Hope for a Job soon.
Gym again tomorrow.

Food choices today? horrible, I cannot go to any more fast food or restaurants.
thats it those are triggers for me, so please as my friend Molly no more asking to go to said places when we go out, because if we do I cant eat. I just cant.

Tonight I passed by the Duncan Doughnuts even though I really really really wanted the Caramel Iced Latte lite.

I passed by the McDonalds even though I wanted some chicken nuggets.

I was going to eat some veggies when I got home but as I got yelled at walking in the door cause I woke my parents up I had to cook something less noisy. so a Nutella Sammich and 8 Oz. of V8 Fruitvusions for me one serving of Veggies and Fruits till tomorrow when I can get the Veggies in I want.

though Im sure maybe one day Ill be able to eat the Veggies I want without ranch dressing on them. though I doubt Ill ever be able to eat peas... ick.

no weight lost.
none gained.

what am I doing wrong....

*sighs*

1 glass of milk
2 slices of honey wheat bread
less then 1 serving of Nutella
Edamame well over one serving but really I dont think Soy beans are bad for you.

then a Party tonight with Molly, I will keep to portion sizes, and eat slowly.

Ive realized that the only reason I have stuck to portion sizes are because of Ruby and Molly. and if It wasnt for Ruby letting me stay at her house (other then sleeping I go home to do that) my points would be screwed.