Sunday, October 18, 2009

I came home dead tired from the Vampire LARP and tried to sleep, I slept for 2 hours and woke back up at 1 AM now its going on 3 and I am still sitting here thinking.
I feel horrible today.

"afters" is a get together after the LARP session usually where we go someplace to grab some food and fast food being an issue for me I almost didnt want to go, but I wanted more time to chat with a few of the other game members and relax before I came home to my crazy house and dealt with my parents and a puppy that was angry that I walked out of the house and didnt take her.
I was bad I will admit this today on my points I had two hand fulls of popcorn the first hand full was a low fat the second (at the LARP) was Kettle Corn most defiantly not now fat and a Nutella sandwich. so I figured it may have been a bad choice to eat the rest of my points at cicis pizza buffet but Id do my best.

I got there and really didnt I completely skipped getting a salad this time (I regret that now) and just got Pizza.

now I did eat less then I normaly would have I got fuller faster but I left there a guilty weight on my shoulders. and a sickening feeling in my stomach, all the way home I felt as if I was going to lose what I had just eaten on the floor of my car.

Tomorrow I will be going back to the gym.

Tomorrow I am also heading to the store to buy myself some bags of frozen veggies and Ranch seasoning packets. and maybe some fresh mushrooms

I love my mom to death but the only veggies she keeps in the house are canned and really Id much rather have frozen. Picky I know. then again I have absurdly high standards.

So today I feel horrible.

I remember this weight loss thing being so much easier for me the first time.

I want to lose the weight so bad, I know I want to lose it for all the wrong reasons, my reasons for the want isnt to be more healthy or to go jogging and not die or to even make my Asthma, depression, or my other issues better.

Its so I can get into a small pants size, so I can shop at 'normal' clothing stores (and not just buy socks and shoes from them) its so I can go into a job interview and get the job because Im not some 'fat sweat hog' looking for a chair to sit in all day to avoid walking and 'working' I want to lose weight so guys can look at me actually look at me and not be disgusted by what they see.
its so I can feel sexy and actually look it or at least I hope to I highly doubt though I will ever have the 'sexy' figure with my odd hip-less frame .

I want all of these things, and no I don't expect weight loss to be easy, but it being this hard is killing me. some days it takes effort for me to even get out of bed especially here lately I'm on the fence with the choice of starting my depression medication again.
I'm so unhappy I don't know what to do, some days I wish to stop breathing or to close my eyes and go to sleep and not wake up.

Ive been told before depression "is a choice" my ex told me that as he was breaking up with me.
Ive been told before "your losing to much weight for me, I cant date anyone that thin" when yet again another ex was breaking up with me. I understand fatty chasers but I was 185 pounds I was in no way skinny.

Maybe Im too sensitive, or maybe I should just stop listening to people and just listen to myself. but neither of those options sound good to me. if I listen to other people if they are wrong Im screwed, and myself? ha I live in Emo Land and apparently all the light bulbs are out here and the roads are lined with sharp objects and bad poetry. so any advice I give myself will be of the dark variety.

Perhaps I should try and sleep maybe things will look brighter in the morning.

Is it too much to ask for a Tall, Dark, and Handsome Vampire to come make me into his princess of the night and take me away from all of this?


yeah? I thought so... a girl can dream right?

1 comment:

  1. Honestly I don't think that there is a wrong reason to lose weight. I think that any reason to lose weight is a good reason. Anything that keeps you going. What I do think, and you may not like this, is that you need to stop letting what other people do be a bad influence on you. You are the captain of your journey, and you need to take the reins. You can do this, you are so capable!

    Maybe there isn't a tall, dark and vampy guy out there, but maybe there is a tall dark and handsome dude willing to be your vampire..

    We have to work for everything in life, no matter how much we need it.

    I love you and I know you can do it!