Tonight was back to the gym for me. I regret taking as long of a break as I did I regret being Lazy.
But Im back on track for now.

20 Minutes on the bike nearly killed me, not because of my legs hurting from the act of biking while yes yes that did 'hurt' it was a good hurt a good reminder that if I would have been going everyday like I was I wouldn't have even been hurting. but I nearly killed me because of my previously broken tailbone. Lately that has been bothering me Ive been trying to stay off it as much as possible but walking and standing all day kills my back and its a huge vicious circle because the weight loss will help with that. So I suppose I should get used to the pain of the tailbone hurting while on the bike so I can lose more weight and be able to stand and walk around for extended periods of time so my damn tailbone can stop hurting.

Im Tired. Im going to be heading to bed soon.

I'm also at this point and time struggling with something mentally. I'm trying to convince myself its OK to let go and have fun and just see where things go, Its ok to not have a plan, its ok not to have things carefully laid out in front of me. Its ok to just feel and enjoy and not have deep seeded meaning behind things, I know this just tell my girly little heart that. My brain is aware that life isnt a fairy tale, there's no knight in shining armor in my future and I'm sure as hell no princess in need of saving. But my heart doesn't seem to understand that.
My Heart wont just STFU and let my brain take over, then again my brain is all cynical and stuff and Assumes everything is a lie love doesn't exist and hope is pointless.
SO I need my heart and brain to work together 50/50 so I have have a nice even mix of hope and fact.

(My close friends will understand that rant)

*sighs*

And no that rant had nothing to do with my diet or food or this damn food blog but really this shouldnt just be a 'food' blog this should be a 'me' blog I mean everything I feel impacts my weight loss.....

Anyway Food:

Can of Soup: 3 Pts
2 Sammiches w/Chips: 10 Pts
Rubys Spaghetti: Im gonna say 10 pts cause I had some extra noodles...
Banana: No idea PT value on that.

23/32

eh. I cant eat when I'm not Hungry. (that translates into I cant eat when I'm Emo)

245

yay for more weight loss.
I cant see the loss but I can feel it in my pants and shirts and hell even my bras and undies.... but I wish I could see it.

Guess I just gotta keep trying.

One pound lost, not bad considering all I had to eat over the weekend.

Mind you I didnt eat a lot, my stomach was out of sorts I was nervous tired and that didnt lead to eating a lot, just the food choices were poor. then again as I have no money and it was mostly free I cant complain.

I met someone over the weekend ^.^ I just wanted to share my happiness over that.
and I think that's all I'm going to say until I figure things out in my head, and he and I discuss things.

yay weight loss!

247

another 3 pounds lost.

I really do not feel proud of myself for some sick reason.

yes this is a total of 10 pounds but I don't feel as if its good enough I feel like I could have done better like I should be at a higher weight loss by now.
I remember weight loss being so much easier the first time I did it.

I'm also still feeling sick the thought of food turns my stomach.

I had a small panic attack last night, I'm going to a convention with Ruby and a few friends.
but I have major Anxiety problems, mainly about being left alone, and we are going out of state and that makes it worse for me. Ive already told them they cant leave me alone Ruby said she wouldn't, but it still worries me that I will get separated from them.
I know I sound like a 5 year old but Molly usually holds my hand so I don't get lost I hope Ruby does the same because Molly isn't going..

I just keep telling myself that I will be ok and Ill be ok right?
If I get lost or cant find anyone I just call and say hey I'm lost come find me... but even that thought doesn't quench the overwhelming fear of being alone in a large crowd of people I don't know.

Bright Side? Lee (someone going to the Con) told me to bring my laptop and he would try and fix it for me cause him and a few other people are IT people. that makes me Happy my last Tech guy fixed my laptop but not very well he fixed my screen so it works but my keyboard doesn't work and I'm having to use a USB keyboard, and along with my mouse and extra fan it makes my laptop even less portable.

so after a night of complete drunken fun and a day of lazy mild hell full blown emo-ness from me. today I have the energy to post and complain about the fact that I feel horrible.

my stomach hurts and I cant eat.

its a mixture of some greasy food choices today and just some things weighing heavily on my mind.

I went into detail here about what was on my mind, but I felt it was not needed in a food blog

Ill weigh myself tomorrow morning, but I did have to buy a belt over the weekend since my pants keep falling down.

yay!

back to being Emo.

Ruby made me watch a scary movie...

Paranormal Activity. there are alot of mixed reviews on this some people were scared others weren't... I however was..


so now Im sleeping on Ruby's sofa cause I dont want to go home and be by myself.

I just wanna say woot I lost 7 pounds. Im now 250. Well according to our scale Im 250 pounds.

Either way.

Feels good.

I came home dead tired from the Vampire LARP and tried to sleep, I slept for 2 hours and woke back up at 1 AM now its going on 3 and I am still sitting here thinking.
I feel horrible today.

"afters" is a get together after the LARP session usually where we go someplace to grab some food and fast food being an issue for me I almost didnt want to go, but I wanted more time to chat with a few of the other game members and relax before I came home to my crazy house and dealt with my parents and a puppy that was angry that I walked out of the house and didnt take her.
I was bad I will admit this today on my points I had two hand fulls of popcorn the first hand full was a low fat the second (at the LARP) was Kettle Corn most defiantly not now fat and a Nutella sandwich. so I figured it may have been a bad choice to eat the rest of my points at cicis pizza buffet but Id do my best.

I got there and really didnt I completely skipped getting a salad this time (I regret that now) and just got Pizza.

now I did eat less then I normaly would have I got fuller faster but I left there a guilty weight on my shoulders. and a sickening feeling in my stomach, all the way home I felt as if I was going to lose what I had just eaten on the floor of my car.

Tomorrow I will be going back to the gym.

Tomorrow I am also heading to the store to buy myself some bags of frozen veggies and Ranch seasoning packets. and maybe some fresh mushrooms

I love my mom to death but the only veggies she keeps in the house are canned and really Id much rather have frozen. Picky I know. then again I have absurdly high standards.

So today I feel horrible.

I remember this weight loss thing being so much easier for me the first time.

I want to lose the weight so bad, I know I want to lose it for all the wrong reasons, my reasons for the want isnt to be more healthy or to go jogging and not die or to even make my Asthma, depression, or my other issues better.

Its so I can get into a small pants size, so I can shop at 'normal' clothing stores (and not just buy socks and shoes from them) its so I can go into a job interview and get the job because Im not some 'fat sweat hog' looking for a chair to sit in all day to avoid walking and 'working' I want to lose weight so guys can look at me actually look at me and not be disgusted by what they see.
its so I can feel sexy and actually look it or at least I hope to I highly doubt though I will ever have the 'sexy' figure with my odd hip-less frame .

I want all of these things, and no I don't expect weight loss to be easy, but it being this hard is killing me. some days it takes effort for me to even get out of bed especially here lately I'm on the fence with the choice of starting my depression medication again.
I'm so unhappy I don't know what to do, some days I wish to stop breathing or to close my eyes and go to sleep and not wake up.

Ive been told before depression "is a choice" my ex told me that as he was breaking up with me.
Ive been told before "your losing to much weight for me, I cant date anyone that thin" when yet again another ex was breaking up with me. I understand fatty chasers but I was 185 pounds I was in no way skinny.

Maybe Im too sensitive, or maybe I should just stop listening to people and just listen to myself. but neither of those options sound good to me. if I listen to other people if they are wrong Im screwed, and myself? ha I live in Emo Land and apparently all the light bulbs are out here and the roads are lined with sharp objects and bad poetry. so any advice I give myself will be of the dark variety.

Perhaps I should try and sleep maybe things will look brighter in the morning.




Is it too much to ask for a Tall, Dark, and Handsome Vampire to come make me into his princess of the night and take me away from all of this?

...

yeah? I thought so... a girl can dream right?

disappointed and pissed.

Food:

less then a bag of popcorn low fat.
two slices of pizza.
8 Oz. V8 Fruitvusions.

Bed.

Fuck today.

On Ruby's sofa, drinking a smoothie her husband made for me! woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Yummy guy at the gym. wasnt there tonight... Oh seemed to have forgot to mention the yummy guy huh? welllll oh my god he was YUMMY smexy brown curly hair, smexy silver rimmed glasses, smexy sun shoulder tattoo, smexy arms sexy sexy ass... mmmmmmm I so wanted to nom him.
Nom nom nom. I wants him. he was the perfect combo (looks wise) of Geeky Nerd/ Yummy I go to the gym and lift weight lots guy.

Now I don't know him personally so maybe personality wise I wouldn't like him but he was so sexy to watch. I would lose track of my reps watching him. he was a little thin for my taste, and a little short. I date taller guys just out of habit then again I'm 5 foot 2 its rare I find a man shorter then me. but thin? Id rather not go there I feel I will smoosh any man I date that weigh less then me.
So I'm hoping to lose some weight so I worry less (hopefully)

Today was not an official weigh in day for me Ive decided to do that officially on Sundays. But according to the scale this AM I am down one pound.

On news of my Puppy, I took her to the vet today, (she had double pneumonia when she was only 8 weeks old thanks to the puppy store we got her from) she is no longer sick but as she has been coughing we wanted to make sure she wasnt getting sick again. She is fine but she may have allergies, she is on a cough suppressant and an over the counter allergy medication (for humans very low dosage) she also has a 'yeast' infection in both of her ears, so now I have some special stuff to clean her ears out with.

I hope this link works >.<



anyway thats her! and thats it for me tonight

Food:

4 point frozen WW meal

two eggs
1 1/4 Fiber one pancakes
3 peices of sausage (full fat :( I know Im horrible)
1 serving Nutella on the pancakes

1 Large Caramel Latte Lite w/splenda (2 servings of splenda)

yayyy points ..... fuck veggies.... >.>

DDR

9.809 Cal.
1/2 Mile.

My Legs hurt, too much jumping, Tomorrow 1 Mile.

Time left on my 30 min work out timer, 19 Min.

but Im sweating so I need a moment and my calfs are killing me.
time for a drink maybe more in a bit..

Gym tonight. Tired. Not going on my date Friday, I refuse to be rebound.
Planning on meeting up with someone else some time this week. Ill see how that goes.
Hope for a Job soon.
Gym again tomorrow.

Food choices today? horrible, I cannot go to any more fast food or restaurants.
thats it those are triggers for me, so please as my friend Molly no more asking to go to said places when we go out, because if we do I cant eat. I just cant.

Tonight I passed by the Duncan Doughnuts even though I really really really wanted the Caramel Iced Latte lite.

I passed by the McDonalds even though I wanted some chicken nuggets.

I was going to eat some veggies when I got home but as I got yelled at walking in the door cause I woke my parents up I had to cook something less noisy. so a Nutella Sammich and 8 Oz. of V8 Fruitvusions for me one serving of Veggies and Fruits till tomorrow when I can get the Veggies in I want.

though Im sure maybe one day Ill be able to eat the Veggies I want without ranch dressing on them. though I doubt Ill ever be able to eat peas... ick.

no weight lost.
none gained.

what am I doing wrong....

*sighs*

1 glass of milk
2 slices of honey wheat bread
less then 1 serving of Nutella
Edamame well over one serving but really I dont think Soy beans are bad for you.

then a Party tonight with Molly, I will keep to portion sizes, and eat slowly.

Ive realized that the only reason I have stuck to portion sizes are because of Ruby and Molly. and if It wasnt for Ruby letting me stay at her house (other then sleeping I go home to do that) my points would be screwed.

7 followers >.< thats kinda awesome to think that people I dont know actually give a crap. Molly, Ruby, and Becky have no choice they have to care!

Well yesterday was a trying day for me I ran to 2 different stores to get what I needed to make the chicken Curry, got home tossed it all in the crock pot put it up on high and hoped it would be done my 6 (it being 12 in the afternoon at the time) no one in my house liked it my dad (who ate well over a serving) said it was horrible my mom took two bites and made herself something else saying "its to spicey" so I made myself two bowels for left overs and gave the rest to Rubys house, Molly cant eat any, it has ground cloves in it and shes allergic to cloves. (not die allergic just make me sick to my stomach allergic Im not that bad of a friend)

After a 10 minute long discussion with Ruby about her 5 paragraph long blog entries we have decided that I should post more then just a few sentences after all I have to keep my blog followers entertained now dont I?

So my Goal has changed when I first made this blog it was to fit into my halloween outfit then make it to 165 pounds and now its just make it to 165 pounds, Im sure to a thinner person 165 pounds is fat but to my 253 pound frame its thin. but I found another outfit I will be wearing for Halloween. its awesome. Catholic School Girl Vampire.... (had to toss the vampire in there I am slightly obsessed with the undead)

I havent been to the gym in 3 days my gym partner has been sick and my Anxiety about going alone has kept me from going, Ive been telling myself "Ill play some DDR and it will make up for it." thats just how Ive been making myself feel better DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) is a fun game and good for working out with but Im sure I never burn as much calories as I do at the gym. but our friend Nadine said she would go to the gym with me today when she gets off of work and that makes me Happy she is on the same diet as us kinda Im not sure if she keeps a food journal or not or if she counts points but I know she isnt doing any horrible snacking infront of us.

last night I did have 11 points worth of french frys >.< made up for my lack of eating durring the day. but I know it was a bad choice of 11 points Im sure I could have had 11 points worth of Salad....

Anyway Food Stuffs:

I havent eaten yet (yes its 1:.30 pm but Im not hungry yet I just woke up)
so when I do eat I will Edit this post and put my foods down here.

I still say I plan on eating my left over chicken curry and a fruit bar...

Chicken Curry w/ Rice: 6 pts
Fruit Bar: 2 Pts.

2 Frozen Fruit bars, 2 points a piece - 6 pts? 1 extra for each one? one serving a bar.
2 pieces of Honey Wheat bread - 2
Less then a serving of Nutella Ill call that one point maybe less - 1

Dinner will be one serving of brown rice and Rubys Chicken Curry

I have 6 followers now? really who wants to read this crap?

For Ruby

1 serving Turkey Pepperoni (snack)
1 can (two servings) Soup (1 serving a can least thats what the front says) (lunch)
1 serving Kashi Cereal (breakfast)
1 serving Almond Milk (breakfast)
1 Serving Pork Chop (for dinner)
2 Servings Cauliflower (dinner)
1 serving Light Ranch (for the Cauliflower)
1 small Apple
1 serving home made Cinnamon dip (Fat Free Cool Whip, Cinnamon, Splenda, Low Fat Cream Cheese)

No Gym today I realized how burnt out I am, Im so tired, and I feel weak not energized like I was. I just need a day to sleep. its raining as well. I love the rain.

Ruby is Rahvi ok? poor baby has his nose stopped bleeding? it doesnt look infected or anything does it?

I'm getting ready to go to the gym again, I'm just getting over a few weeks of a serious depression.
I'm not sure how I feel I'm numb really but I'm keeping to my points, eating in smaller portions. I think right now that's all that is really keeping me going.

I know that without Molly I would be lost.
I'm still sick. this cold seems to be lingering.
I had a job interview today it went well I think and I hope to hear form them within the next two weeks.

I was in a happy place things were going well. and now its back to the way it was before, I dont know why I expected things to be ok forever.

I lost one pound.

the way I feel that will be the only pound.

I weigh myself tomorrow, I don't want to either way I feel miserable, I feel like a horrid friend. Two of my best friend are hurting feeling the loss of a grandfather, and all I can do is say I'm sorry. I feel miserable I don't want to go over there spread my sick germs I barley had the energy to go to the doctor today.

I don't want to talk about points. at this point I'm not sure I really want to post.

I'm proud of my friends for the simple fact that they are keeping to their diets in such a hard time in their lives. I wish I could be as strong.

I don't think I over ate but I haven't counted any points.

As Molly would say I'm in head space at the moment. I shouldn't be its selfish my friends need me.. and I cant get past my own shit to be there for them. I'm pathetic.

Im sick. Lovely >.< I had the same thing for breakfast that I ate yesterday.

1 Egg - 1 point
2 Turkey Bacon - 3 points 1 point a serving 1 slice a serving doubled for two servings.
1 wrap - 3 points

7 points total.

*sniffles* I dont think Im walking the track tonight, Ill try and do some Wii Fit stuff tonight I feel like shit.

its been a few days where to start?

I went to the store with my mom yesterday, Unlike my support group I live with my parents, my mother is on a diet but my father isn't to the food choices in the house were, less then healthy. but since I went with my mom I got good for me things. Like Turkey Bacon, Turkey Pepperoni, Egg Beaters, Low Fat Cream Cheese, Kashi cereal, Baby Spinach, Sugar Snap Peas, Asparagus, Cauliflower, and Apples I got other things as well but those were my main healthy choices that Ive requested no one else in the house eat unless they ask me. I joined a Gym near me but I have yet to go to work out. I'm scared I suppose, I'm very shy and I have anxiety issues in the first place so I cannot go to the gym alone not yet.

so far today

1 egg
1 whole wheat wrap
2 slices of Turkey bacon
less then one serving of low fat cream cheese.


Point value coming soon.

and now, Im going to get dressed, because Josh my friend Molly's husband wants to go for cheese steak. I do not think I will be getting one, and if I did it would be my meal over 4 days so I can keep to my points.

yay! 1 whole mile! woo I feel good I feel tired I'm going to the Gym tomorrow!

Im not sure if we are walking tonight, its raining but if we dont I will go home and get on my moms Wii or play some DDR on my PS2. Im very hungry right now Id like to eat I have to wait for Ruby to make dinner well I could go get something but if I wait for Ruby Ill at least have something good for me.

Im at 20 points for the day I have a total of 32 points.... so 12 more to go.

Home

After a night of fun times with my friends they even listened when I rambled on about World of Warcraft. All in all it was a good night geeky gamerness aside Ruby made an Amazing Dinner of Meat Loaf and Mac and Cheese once she posts it on her blog I will link it here.
I do have a lot going on in my head thinking... I'm hoping I can keep it there in my head and not let it bother me during my weight loss

Tonight was good 3/4 laps soon I hope for 4/4 laps to make a full mile....

After an hour of crying...
I need to do this for me.
I need to be "thin"
I feel horrible.

*sighs* walking tonight with Ruby and Molly around the track.

253.1

Today is I hope going to be a good day.... I hope, but not only am I battling my weight I'm also battling with depression and sickness, two things that work very hard to beat me down to keep me from doing the things I need to do such as work out or eat right.... I bought some weights since I cannot afford a gym membership nor can afford Weight Watchers but I am following the plan closely I lost 50 pounds on that diet a few years ago and with the support of my friends I hope to lose more and keep it off I know we can do it! my thoughts are jummbled at the moment I had more I wanted to type... but for now bye I will post my eatings of the day when I eat.

Cup of Noodles - no point Value yet Have to call Ruby she has my points counter.
Water - 0 points
4 grapes- not even sure if that is a serving

Not Day One... More like Day 9ish

I did this for Ruby, for Molly, for Nadine, for myself...

I want to feel better about myself feel less horrible about myself when I go clothes shopping.

I will stick to this...

because.

I need to be a better me.